


when you wake up

by aislingdoheanta



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Post-Credits Scene, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Fix-It, Gen, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-06-07 14:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6809350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aislingdoheanta/pseuds/aislingdoheanta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Spoilers for CA: Civil War.</b><br/>Bucky tells Steve of his decision to go back under and the two have a long overdue talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you wake up

Steve walked into the room Bucky was still being evaluated in. It was strange seeing him so…soft.  

When he’d found Bucky back in Bucharest he’d been lost and terrified, but now it’s almost as if the fight had been dragged out of him.

His anger wasn’t what Bucky needed right now. Right now he needed a friend.

“How’re ya doing, Buck?” Steve asked smiling at the tech who made her way out to give them a few minutes of privacy.

“I don’t know.” Bucky leaned slightly to the right like he couldn’t quite get his bearings.

“That’s not surprising.” Steve sighed and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“You’re friends okay?” Bucky asked, turning his gaze out the window.

“For the most part, unscathed,” Steve said. “I think the betrayal is worse than the imprisonment.”

Bucky nodded. “It’s good they have you.”

“None of you would have been in this mess if it weren’t for me,” Steve told him, swallowing the lump in his throat.

“They all made their choice,” Bucky said quietly.

“And you?” Steve said. “You didn’t ask for any of this. And I came barging in and just made everything worse for you.”

Bucky clenched his jaw.

“I’m sorry, Bucky,” Steve said.

“You came to help me,” Bucky said. “If you hadn’t…”

“You might have gotten away,” Steve said.

“Or done something worse.” Bucky sighed.

“None of that’s your fault,” Steve said, taking a step toward him. “It’s not you.”

“Just because I didn’t want to doesn’t mean I wasn’t the one pulling the trigger,” Bucky told him.

Steve didn’t know what to say. How could he convince Bucky that he wasn’t to blame when he blamed himself for everything?

“In Siberia,” Bucky said quietly. “You were willing to let me escape.”

“I knew what they were going to do to you if they got you again,” Steve said. “You’re only chance was leaving.”

“But if I’d have gotten out, you’d have been taken,” Bucky said.

“Not necessarily.”

“Steve, I would have taken the quinjet. They would have come for you.”

Steve shrugged. “Tony didn’t want Ross knowing that he was there at all, so not that big of a deal.”

“I would have left you there.”

“And I wanted you to.” Steve moved closer, pulling his hands out of his pockets and trying to look relaxed. “I would have figured things out. It was more important to me that you got out.”

“You always put others before your own safety,” Bucky said quietly, shaking his head.

“I’m just a dumb kid from Brooklyn,” Steve said with a bitter smile. “My life doesn’t matter more than anyone else’s.”

“You always thought like that.”

Steve smiled softly. “I knew you remembered me.”

“I don’t,” Bucky insisted. “Not really.”

“But enough?” Steve asked.

Bucky smiled a little. “I think so.”

Steve glanced down at Bucky. “What’d they doctors say?”

Bucky swallowed. “The metal brace is fine and still working. They’re pretty sure that they’ll be able to make something that can just hook right up to what’s already there.”

“That’s great, Buck!”

“And…” Bucky let out a breath and didn’t look at Steve. “They think it’s a good idea for me to go under again.”

“Wait. What?” Steve moved to stand directly in front of Bucky. “Like frozen?”

Bucky nodded.

“Oh, Buck.” Steve sighed. “I didn’t know they’d try and do that to you. We’ll leave.”

Bucky shook his head. His hand inched forward and nearly threw him off balance. “I asked them.”

“Why?”

“I’m dangerous, Steve,” Bucky said quietly.

“Not to me,” Steve said.

“But to everyone else. You can’t protect everyone from me.”

“I won’t have to,” Steve told him. “You’ll be safe here.”

“Maybe,” Bucky said, shrugging his shoulder. “But it’ll be safer for everyone else if I’m just out of the picture until they can figure out how to get whatever’s inside my head out.”

“Buck—“

“It’ll be safer for me too,” Bucky said softly. “I will wake up knowing that I didn’t do anything terrible.”

Steve swallowed.

“Steve, please. I-I can’t.” Bucky clenched his jaw.

Steve reached out to Bucky and cradled him to his chest. Bucky’s arm came around him, gripping his shirt tightly; his legs pressed on Steve’s hips, pulling him closer. Steve didn’t mind.

“I don’t mean to fight you, Bucky,” Steve said quietly into Bucky’s hair. “I just don’t want you to do this because you think you’ll be in the way or that you’re not important to me.”

“It’s not that. Not entirely.” Bucky sniffed. Steve moved a hand to the back of his neck.

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just. I’m tired,” Bucky said. “I relive it all the time and there’s no way to escape. I can’t keep doing this.”

“But it might be worse when you wake up,” Steve said gently. “At least this way you’ll have me and everyone else, a safe place, no imminent world danger threats. You could begin to heal.”

“Like you did?” Bucky shot back.

“Fair point,” Steve said. “I could start too.”

Bucky hesitated for a second, his hand tightening in Steve’s shirt and his head turning into Steve’s neck. “You have so many other things to worry about.”

“I don’t care about anything else,” Steve said. “I just want _you_ to be okay.”

“I know and I just… this feels like the best thing for me right now,” Bucky whispered. “It’ll give you guys a chance to try and figure out if there’s any way to fix me.”

“You’re not broken,” Steve argued.

“I’m a little broken,” Bucky countered.

Steve sighed but let it drop. For now. “You know I meant what I said in the quinjet, right? None of what HYDRA did was your fault. You were a victim in that situation just as much as anyone else.”

“Steve I see it, all of it. All of them. My own hands,” Bucky shook his head a little. “I can see myself doing it all and I can’t just ignore that.”

“I’m not saying ignore it,” Steve argued. “Just that it wasn’t your choice. Someone else was pulling the strings.”

They stood there for another few minutes, holding on to each other.

“Are you sure about this?” Steve asked. “I don’t want you to make any quick decisions because you feel like I want or need you out of the way. If you do this, I want it to be because you really believe it’s the best thing for _you._ ”

Bucky nodded and pulled back from Steve. “I just, can’t fight anymore. Right now there’s nothing that will get this crap outta my head. Hopefully soon, but I can’t just keep doing this.”

Steve sighed. “I wish you wouldn’t, but I get it.”

Bucky looked around nervously. “You’ll be there when I wake up, right?”

Steve nodded. “You think I’d let you wake up alone?”

“Okay.” Bucky nodded to some of the medical staff standing outside the glass doors. They started walking in and prepping things for Bucky.

“You had them start the process already?” Steve asked, suddenly realizing he was going to be without Bucky for the foreseeable future.

“I needed to do it before I lost my nerve,” Bucky whispered. “It’s hard.”

Steve reached a hand out to Bucky’s shoulder and gently squeezed. “I’m not letting anything happen to you.”

“Sergeant Barnes,” one of the women—Steve needed to get everyone’s name here if he was going to be staying. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Bucky nodded and Steve could see the terror. He pressed closer and helped Bucky off the table. He pulled him over to the chamber and helped him settle inside. His hands wouldn’t move from Bucky’s arm.

“I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” Bucky asked.

“As soon as we find something I’m waking you up,” Steve promised.

“I’d say wake up me up when you’re thinking of doing something stupid, but then I might never get to sleep.” Bucky smiled.

“Well, you won’t have to worry about that cause you’re taking all the stupid with you,” Steve shot back.

Bucky’s eyes lit up and he chuckled quietly.

Steve dropped his hand to grab Bucky’s. He squeezed it and wished he could think of something better to say.

Bucky squeezed his hand back and gave him a sad smile as Steve backed away.

“Oh, by the way, I’m telling Sam that you said I was the most important when I wake up,” Bucky said and Steve couldn’t help but laugh.

“He’ll love that.”

Steve watched as Bucky’s grin slowly settled into a more peaceful look. Bucky closed his eyes as they lowered the lid over him. The mist clouded Bucky over and Steve watched as it took him only 17 seconds to fall into a deep sleep.

He meant what he said that he was going to wake him up as soon as they had anything to help him.

Steve gave one last look at Bucky before thanking all the techs and quietly walking out of the room. He pulled out his phone and typed in a number he hoped was still in service.

He listened to it ring before being answered.

“Natasha, it’s Steve.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this very quickly and then had to put it down because of the garbage that are the people in charge of Bucky Barnes' reasoning as to why he's going back under. I originally wrote this to try and give Bucky and Steve a little bit of closure before they're torn apart again and give Bucky his choice, but now I'm bitter and will write every possible way to keep Bucky out of cryo because he doesn't deserve to be punished. 
> 
> Sorry. I'm clearly still not over those comments. 
> 
> Anyways, come talk to me on [tumblr! ](http://saras-almanac.tumblr.com/ask) We can chat about Civil War or send me prompts or whatever you want!


End file.
